Contestant Number Four

It's been a while since I've introduced more contestants to the show. Lest you forget, this is the HelpMikeyFindaWifey gameshow where one unfortunate girl will win the chance to demand a divorce from me in 2-5 years. I've spent the past few months tugging at the heartstrings - but let's balance that a bit. Without further adieu, I introuduce... Tonya. AKA - The Squirter.

Normally I would say, get your mind out of the gutter, but uh, you can keep it there - because that is precisely what I'm referring to....

Tonya is a cute Italian 26 year old teacher from Queens. She seems well read, opinionated, pretty funny, and loves the Yankees. Good start, no? She's one of the last few people I've talked to on Match.com before my subscription recently ran out. We did the e-mail exchanges, and graduated to the phone numbers. On our second call last week, she dropped some details - all of which were good, but one was quite fascinating. After reeling off a list of bedroom habits she very casually mentioned the fact that she can mimic a human Super Soaker. Hmm.

What do you say to that? Do you follow up with: "So, what's your favorite place for cocktails in the city? What are you currently reading? Do I ask her how long she's been a squirter? There really is only one thought that follows this bit of info - I gots to see this... and possibly film this. :)

Ladies, let me give you a bit of advice. When you divulge information like that, you pretty much have changed your surname to BOOTY CALL. The chances of a guy dating you seriously after that are slightly better than the chances of Jennifer Aniston finding love. Within 24 hours, every buddy of mine knew I was about to go on a date with a human highlight reel of porn.

There is only one problem. I kind of find this girl interesting. I'd like to go on a serious date with her, not one where I'm constantly thinking of when will I get to see the show. However, I'm having a hard time of taking her seriously, because with every phone call she consistently flaunts her superpowers. I feel that's all I'll be thinking of when I meet her. I mean, ladies, if you were about to go on a date with say, SpiderMan... wouldn't you want to watch him shoot a web from across the room just once? - especially if he's been talking about swinging from church towers for two weeks. Hopefully I'll be able to enter the restaurant with an unobstructed mind. Date's this upcoming week. I'll let you all know how it goes.

Outtakes 1

Why must unhooking a bra be so complicated? It's only two clasps, yet I have a better chance of reading braille than getting two hooks undone in under 4 minutes. I start fumbling around with excitement like a young Mikey circa Christmas '91 when I knew there was a GameBoy hidden in one of those shirt boxes - sweaty palms, drool, and a maniacal look in my eyes.

Good thing the family isn't around to take pictures at least.