Outtakes 4

I just came across some internet drivel stating Jessica Simpson was spotted out (again) with Billy Corgan of Smashing Pumpkins fame (can we really call it fame, though? Smashing Pumpkins' heydey was synonymous with the heydey of Wayne's World skits and Hangin' with Mr. Cooper reruns). She explained that whenever she needs a shoulder to cry on, she turns to Billy. She goes on to say that, although they are just friends, "he is a loyal friend - a VERY loyal friend." Of course, this is a little different than how Corgan sees it.

Still, the question begs.... Could it possible that the guy, who I'm still not positive didn't star alongside Vicki from Small Wonder, has managed to pull off the near impossible guyfriend-to-cry-to turned lover trick with one of the hottest celebrities of the past 15 years? This guy?! I wouldn't want Billy Corgan within 20 yards of a school bus stop and now you're telling me he might be heavy petting Sexual Napalm?!

I don't usually follow stuff like this, but I'll make an exception. We've all been there and tried this move (usually with a girl well out of our league). In fact, between the years of 1997-2002 this was my only move. There wasn't a girl who hadn't cried on Mikey's shoulder in my hopes that I could see some boobage during the consolation process. I'm all for any guy who can do it.

Here's to you, Billy Corgan!

Results of a Meeting

* my apologies for not hitting the 2 post per month minimum last month :)

Mikey, how did the meeting with the Brazilian go?
Glad you asked.

Cue generic feminine acoustic song from Gossip Girl.

We stood, seconds apart, on her mom's creaky brownstone porch - wait, let's go old school. Cue On Bended Knee from Boyz II Men. Much better.

We stood, seconds apart, on her mom's creaky brownstone porch when we locked eyes for the first time since that fateful letter was sent. With a thud, she dropped her purse and darted toward my rain drenched body (I had puffy storm clouds flown in for effect.) Both of her hands held up her Cinderella-like dress up so she could skip over the rain puddles collected on the ground. I reached out and gave her my best Ryan Gosling embrace - making sure to grab her face with not one, but two hands - ya know, for the extra emphatic kiss. With a fierce disposition I declared all my -- actually she's still with her guy.

What the f man! I could have sworn something was up. Oh well. She let me know sometime at the :38 minute mark of our meeting at Applebee's - nothing says romance like a meeting at "The Neighborhood Place." (btw Applebee's, where do you get off charging nine dollars for spiked Kool-Aid? If you truly were the Neighborhood Place, you'd call it Jungle Juice and charge me two bucks for a red plastic cup). I actually did have a good time, though. I even had a chance attend some random party after drinks where I did what I do best - observe other people's comic behavior.

As we were walking up the driveway to the house where said party was occurring, the door swung open and out came the smell of stale beer followed by a non-descript white guy in khaki cargo shorts and a t-shirt. Perfectly normal January clothes. The Brazilian ran up to this generic fellow, jumped in his arms and yelled TOOOM!! He tempered his true excitement to see her with a nonchalant "Hey babe." Then, turning to me, he shook my hand with an equally nonchalant "Hey bro, I'm Tom." I stammered back with a sheepish, "Hey, I'm Mikey."

As our eyes locked, we both knew what was going through the other guy's mind. It was almost like in There's Something about Mary where Mary has no idea of all the guys who are trying to get with her, yet they all know, and subsequently want to stab each other in the eyes with butter knives. I waited till a bit later to ask the Brazilian how long ago Tom was infatuated with her. She replied rather surprisingly, "Wow, how did you know? It was waaaaay long ago, back in college."
Sure.

Let me tell you ladies something. When a guy friend of yours tries to take things to another level and you inevitibally turn him down because you see him as a brother or some equally bullshit excuse, we rarely get over it (After all, the real reason which we don't want to admit to ourselves, is that you can't fathom seeing us naked without giggling in amusement). I would say we don't get over it till we find a firm significant other. I should know. I am currently a "Tom" to about 14 different girls from college. Furthermore, us "Toms" of the world can sniff out another guy's true intentions like Southwest can sniff out a fat man in crowded plane. Knowing this, I figured it was only a matter of time before Tom informed her of my true intentions for meeting up. Damn you, Tom! Don't hate because I may have a 3 percent chance.

The rest of the night played out in typical friend fashion. I wound up dropping her off back at her mom's place with a joint promise to keep in better touch with each other. My buddies will natrually criticize me for wasting a Saturday night, but you really never know. Dating is like being a CSI detective. You have to pursue all possible leads :).