The Brazilian...

I got your attention didn’t I? When you find out someone is ethnic you always become more interested. I’m convinced she used this fact to become more appealing, much the same way I use the statement “I’m Puertorican” to secure more jobs in landscaping. I do not like to write about anyone that I know will read this, but she recently threw out a crazy line via e-mail that prompted me to type away.

She was a publicist from NY... a dark, foxy, tall drink of water that reminded me of one of Charlie's Angels (for fun, sometimes I like to describe girls how my father would. Didn't you get a Dick Tracy feel with that line? I just lit a cigarette and leaned towards my desk fan with no protective facing.) She was also a writer with an effusive way with words which she liked to display in her very own relationship blog. At the time, this sounded awesome. Another person that likes to express themselves in long winded diatribes! Advice to other men who might find this intriguing: Stay away. People with blogs are slightly off-kilter, self-indulging, loquacious folk who analyze themselves and all their relationships in life like the FBI analyzed the grassy knoll video. Trust me.

After one date over 10 dollar drinks, she told me that she had met someone else. No biggie, I know the rules. However, she did add that she wanted to remain friends. I found this odd, but harmless. Of course, when I never expect to hear from them again is always when they pop up with an e-mail.

I cautiously went out with my little canasta dancer a few more times over the next two months. When I was younger, I lived in Spain for a while and formed a pre-pubescent fetish for Spanish dancers. I was always hoping she would show up in a long frilly dress like she was about to crush grapes with her feet and she’d roll her R’s as she recited funny lines from Anchorman with me. In reality, she showed up in American jeans and we went to bars where I was forced to have mojitos, listen to U2 and lose more of what precious little masculinity I have left.

We seemed to be clicking. She was incredibly engaging. I was drawn to her like Matt McConaughey to a bad movie script. She challenged me to read books without staples in them and she perfectly balanced all her talk about art and politics with a goofy joke about, you know, stuff that really matters. Everything was going well except for her score of 11 on the shadiness scale. For every one date we went on she would cancel about 4 times leading up to said date, yet continue to call and plan for future dates. I knew something was off, but I ignored it. After all, her little blog (ugh) said she had just broken up with her bf - she was probably just moving slowly... *

At some point though, the craziness must stop and the confrontation begins. It turned out she had a boyfriend all along, but he was just moving out of the country. She wasn’t sure if she was breaking up so she was seeing me “as a friend”, but surprise, after I put my toungue in her mouth, things became more than just friendly. I was pretty pissed that someone could be so inconsiderate of me and my time - but I understood.

I’ve always found it quite ironic when we say that silly little quote at weddings about “Love being kind, and love is not selfish and love is this and that.” When I hear this line at weddings, I become more infuriated than when they play the new electric slide rather than the old one. Love is one of THE MOST selfish feelings out there. When you truly are in love, or you think you have the opportunity for it, you will do ANYTHING for it and you will act in the most callous of ways to achieve this. There’s a reason people keep watching that craptastic movie The Notebook. That love shit is powerful and we will do what we have to make sure we have it. The problem arises when we hurt others to achieve it. I can honestly understand why people leave marriages after 20 years, but I’ll never understand why people cheat. In one instance you are looking for love, in the other you are willing to hurt another to do so - not my style. In the Brazillian’s quest for love she decided to travel across the ocean to be with her man and when I confronted her about it, she had the decency to be honest.  I can respect this. In my life, I've done similar, and so have you.

By the way, the funny line that she recently told me: “Hey, I didn’t have a boyfriend when we went out. He wasn’t official – ok he was, but he wasn’t I’m getting married official”  Right.

There are two morals to this story. 

If you read over you can figure out the deeper one. I'll stick to the superficial one: 

You can get away with a lot when you have long legs that say Made in Brazil.

* You may think I'm stupid for not realizing the obvious but I should add (after doing some Googling) that I found a video online of her and her friends in her backyard – having a pillow fight.....pause.....I swear I'm telling the truth. A Brazilian pillow fight. She even displayed a Street Fighter move a la Ken with the pillow, twirling around in order to knock out everyone in her vicinity. At this point, I was sold. I didn't care how crazy she was, I was going down with the ship. "Sure Mr. McConaughey, the names of the movies are Fool's Gold and Surfer, Dude. But you’ll be making 20 million and you’ll have the chance to work with your shirt off!"..."Where do I sign?"