The Choke-a-Bitch Emoticon, a long week, and a TV timeout

Years ago my best friend Johnny and I were discussing the concept of e-mailing as it pertains to women and dating. Although the technology was in its infancy, the discussion seamlessly applied itself to text messages as well. We found that women have an intuitive knack for crafting a well intended and deliberate message that always allows for them to change the importance, anger, or overall flirtation of said message at a later time. They carry out these verbal loopholes with the use of well placed, strategic semicolons and parenthesis.

This little sucker, :) OR (: OR :-) and his bastard twin ;) has been the cause of more frustration and anger than Popeyes running out of their $4.99 chicken special.

For instance (actual true examples being used):

"Just having dinner with him... We dated 7 years ago! I think you're worried too much :)"
editor's note: About 5 months following this e-mail, they were engaged.

"Maybe we can get drinks after dinner. I don't have to work tomorrow ;)..."
editor's note: She actually only wanted to get dinner much to the chagrin of little Mikey.

"Hey! I'm sorry I just got your text... Batteries!!.. I know I'm tough, blame my job. Can we reschedule for tomorrow?...:)"
editor's note: See The Brazilian for more info.

It is in response to messages like these that the use of the as of yet to be invented "Choke-a-Bitch emoticon" would be applicable. The picture of one smiley face joyfully restricting the air supply of a neighboring smiley face conveys a wide variety of feelings that I, too, can change at my own whim. I believe Chris Rock said, with only a slight modicum of inappropriateness, "You haven't truly loved someone... till you've thought about killing them."

This comes to attention because, had the option been there, I might have sent this to a few select girls this past week. Unfortunately, one of them was my favorite underage contestant, Nikki the Volunteer.

Nikki's candidacy in our game show has been formally rescinded.  Too much confusion hurts my head.  A series of rescheduled dates (including one at my favorite springtime event: the Tribeca Film Festival), confusing texts at 3am, and constant hot/cold flirtatiousness depending on what hour it is, has sealed her fate. Oh, and bitch ate my Rolos.

I suppose a majority of this is my fault for asking a girl out that is two years removed from her Senior Prom, but one cannot help who one likes. Even with the age, I am slightly surprised at her spastic behavior.  She's a sweetheart who seems to have good intentions.  Perhaps women are simply predisposed to acting irrational much like a dog is predisposed to licking his own balls, even when he is neutered.

The rest of the past week was an uncanny combination of studying 1400 pages of text in preparation for for my upcoming career change, the lawyer girl halfheartedly getting back in touch with me, family responsibilities which kept me hooked up to an IV of Mountain Dew to stay awake and dealing with people who take their jobs way too seriously at work.

Despite the long week, I take everything in stride. One of the reasons being is how I ended my week. I managed to fit in some time visiting with my ex-girlfriend, my grandfather and my mother. The Big Three of Cancer. I showed up to each meeting complete with an arsenal of hugs, food, and inappropriate jokes. I'm like a traveling clown and I don't mind it one bit. If I can do anything to bring a smile to one of their faces I’ll do it and I’ll do it every weekend til they get better.

Wtih that said, I do need a small break from dating to regroup. I do enjoy most of the madness, but there is only so much I can tolerate from females before the choke-a-bitch icon ceases to be allegorical. If I’m going to be arrested I’d rather it be for underage sex than attempted murder. Don't worry, there are plenty of stories to fill up that time.